tacotopia

I’d intended to review the Grandma’s Gorditas on Morgan this morning but found it closed. Damn. So I pointed my truck down port and drove around in circles for a few minutes because I was sure there had to be a good taco to be had on this street.  Morgan is not the prettiest street in Corpus Christi, and it is lined with dilapidated garages and shops – many boarded up, and fenced lots with barking pit bulls guarding rusted cars no one would bother stealing.  I used to travel this road at least twice a day to go to trade school and had never felt especially uncomfortable there – pale though I am – but this morning when I stepped into Los Regios it was quite apparent I was not expected.

The place was dingy. The TV blared tejano. The cook peeked through his window from the kitchen and had the look of a recently escaped inmate interested in not being seen, and he’d have had little trouble as the joint was about empty, with the one other patron old and nearly blind.  The lady behind the counter barely understood my english, and when I started ordering in spanish she understood less.  I don’t know if this reflects on my language skill or her cognitive ability.  I asked for a cafe grande, and she replied ‘fajitas?’ I accidently refused the offer of coffee fixings and sat and drank it black from the oilcan.  It was pretty good.

The tacos were cheap, the coffee giant – like a big gulp for caffeiniacs.  I hurried out before being set upon by an angry parole officer, or caught in a drive by.  I got to my shop and opened up the sack half expecting to find a severed human hand but it was only tacos.  They looked puny next to the coffee.  I think the tortillas were homemade, but so that they tasted like store bought.  But get this:  they were both pretty good.  The chorizo & egg had a good rich flavor, though it was a little soft.  The carne guisada was even better, and as I finished them off I considered going back for another.

After last week’s debacle we were looking forward to something closer to what got us started.  Plain jane, familiar, comfortable.  As the team of two assembled in front of the entrance of the morning’s eatery we wordlessly communicated our shared  yearning for the upcoming evaluation: “I hope this doesn’t suck.”

It didn’t.  They claim to produce the “best salsa in town” and it was the best thing about the fare.  It is blended so thoroughly that there are no seeds or visual hints of what ingredients it might contain.  It’s color is that of Autumn leaves, orange as the paint on the gorgeous sign hung above the door.  The tacos were big, like a horn-of-plenty set out for we weary pilgrims after our long voyage through the treacherous seas of gastrointestinal persecution. In this story, though, we aren’t the ones giving smallpox blankets to the indians.  So hot was the salsa that it slapped us out of Fall reverie and reminded us that in a few scant minutes we’d be trudging beneath the furnace of the hot Texas sun.

The carne guisada was nice looking, with the color of the sauce also orange so that when combined with the salsa one can’t tell them apart.  On biting into it the flavor was very familiar, and after a while it came to me.  I can’t say this with certainty, but it tastes very much like the HEB frozen Carne Guisada.  The beef was very chewy – just like the HEB brand, and the sauce has the same look and taste.  The only reason I’d know that flavor is because I have bought it many times, and it’s not bad for frozen carne g, but I’d expect more from a Corpus Christi Taqueria. The chorizo & egg wasn’t bad, wasn’t great.  Nothing unusual about it.  Basic.  The tortillas were big – as were the tacos – and weren’t bad, but again – not great.  If they’re homemade they don’t taste it.

I have to admit, I’m still recovering from last weeks corporate romp. As I drove across town in the darkness, I wondered about the fare. I’d never been to Nano’s, but had heard about it for years. It has a significant following and was recommended many times for consideration for a Tacotopia visit. It was dark when I got there and white light blared out the door. The smell of bacon permeated the air. My hopes soared.

The place was cold, like a Blue Norther. I ordered two tacos, a machacado and egg, and a chicharrones and eggs. We barely sat down and the tacos were on the table. They were bountiful. Giant stuffed beauties. The chicharron and egg ranked first. The chicharrones were the small, dense, extremely crunchy ones that originate in Mexico. They were crushed into pieces that brought to mind crushed candy in peppermint ice cream. Except this candy had a rich fried pig flavor mingled with caramelized onions. If not for the mid-grade tortilla, it would have been great. The machacado was also good. The carne seco was very flavorful, maybe a bit jerky-like, but but hey, that’s what it is.

Both tacos were improved by the addition of the burnt-orange salsa. Served in a squeeze bottle, It could have passed for French dressing. The coffee was good, as is usually the case for that Bunn coffee maker. You know the type. The coffee has a rich cafe taste, but is missing the high notes you might get from a press.

In the end, Nano’s didn’t suck. It wasn’t at the top of the scale, but it was a pleasantly cool breeze in our otherwise brutally-hot existence. Salud.

We are left to bear the burden of the cruelest season to the South, but we are thankful for the food we are given.

An employee of the Stripes/Laredo Taco Company scurrying back into the safety of the bunker after recording our license plate

Tacotopia – a populist dream of a world with abundant and delicious food available to rich and poor alike.  Alas, it is just that – a dream. And when a dream, or an inspiration, or a great idea starts to take hold the juggernaut of industrial production and insipid, coercive advertising turn the dream into a nightmare.  As true believers we, the tacoteurs, must act if we want to keep the beast at bay. Our taco freedom fighters staged a massive strategic attack on the face of the corporate taco dealers and lived to tell.  We accompany each review with a Haiku, so that we might gain some spiritual insight from our sacrifice.

Stripes/Laredo Taco Company

2002 Morgan Ave

Corpus Christi

(361) 881-8780

This was our first stop, and they handled us tidily.  Kicked out without a taco after photographing their neglected coffee station, we didn’t escape without having our license plate recorded so that they might radio back to the KGB and put us on a watch list.

Photog offends clerk.

Thanks no arrest resulted.

They took license plate.

McDonalds

2021 Morgan Ave

Corpus Christi, TX 78405-1541

(361)882-1411

After escaping across Morgan we took refuge in the McDonalds, recently reconstructed in the ruins of – that’s right – another McDonalds.  Kevin & I licked our wounds and were lulled into a false sense of security by the clean accommodations, pleasant staff, bountiful condiments and diffused lighting.  We split a McSkillet. Not bad for the food of the oppressor.  It was hefty (like Americans like it) with good fried potatoes, eggs, green & red pepper, and sausage.  The coffee was average.

Service with a smile.

Tacoesque fare not too bad.

Bright, clean, good coffee.

Bill Miller

1240 S Port Ave

Corpus Christi, TX 78405-2308

(361) 884-3777

Almost as good as the real thing.  The aroma of woodsmoke hit us on the way in.  The joint was clean and the staff friendly.  Alone in the giant dining area, we had the carne guisada with cheese.  It was excellent, not quite authentic tasting but still good.   The beef was peppery if tough.  And could it be?  Real tortillas?  Further investigation showed them to be pressed and cooked on the premises.

Q stand serves taco.

Guisada good, salsa fresh

Likely to return.

Burger King

3941 Crosstown Expy

Corpus Christi, TX 78416

(361)854-1700

Rarely has the concept of corporate offenses ever been so singularly personified as in Burger King serving a breakfast taco though their legal team helped them avoid calling it that (it’s a Cheesy Bacon Wrap).  Cheesy Bacon Crap.  Do not eat this if you’re going to be out of range of a bathroom in which you can spend some time.  It left me with one question: how can you screw up bacon?

Cheesy, salty blob

Warning to man for ages

Illness could follow.

Jack in the Box

3155 S Padre Island Dr

Corpus Christi, TX 78415-1815

(361)225-3746

I don’t know if the normally feuding corporations colluded to thwart our anti-corporate campaign, but we were thwarted.  Upon entering the drive through we were told there was only one egg left, and they wouldn’t make a taco with it, only a croissant. Curses. No egg for you.

For lack of an egg

Our taco lust was ended

Egg sandwich instead?

Taco Bueno

5630 Saratoga Blvd

Corpus Christi, TX 78414-4101

(361)993-0622

Again we were defeated by the robber-barons.  Taco Bueno didn’t even have breakfast tacos, in spite of assurance from our source that they did.  Are we being infiltrated?

No Taco Bueno,

Closed doors saved us some torture.

Best taco so far.

Sonic

6557 South Staples

Corpus Christi, TX

(361)991-9790

Expecting nothing less than pathetic we were impressed at what Sonic did with their paltry components.  The tortillas were bad but not awful, the taco was big and tasty.  The sausage and the jalapeños were good.

Tater tot taco?

Huge wrap, had to gird our loins.

Best coffee of day.

Taco Cabana

5425 S Padre Island Dr # 138

Corpus Christi, TX 78411-5327

(361)994-0246

I’d expected to like this one but it wasn’t great.  They did give us 3 different kinds of salsa though, and they did have chorizo – unique in our campaign.

Big Chain, small taco,

Only chorizo on trip.

Several salsas.

Whataburger

2402 S Padre Island Dr

Corpus Christi, TX 78415-1802

(361)855-0010

We got the Sausage Egg & Cheese Taquito.  We knew it would be bad but we didn’t know how bad.  How can that take the same fixin’s used in their excellent B.O.B. and make them taste so bad?  At least it’s not as awful as Burger King.

Hurray for home town?

Dry, yucky, one of day’s worst.

They left bad tacos.

Stripes/Laredo Taco Company

1050 Nueces Bay Blvd

Corpus Christi, TX

(361)884-1581

If we don’t give everyone fair treatment, aren’t we as bad as they are?  In the spirit of truth and fairness we made another run at the local warlord, and were rewarded.  The barbacoa was quite good, the pico fresh, the salsa hot, the cilantro… well… cilantro-y.  The tortillas are made right there behind the counter, the best of the bunch.  Enough to redeem them from the earlier insult?  Only time will tell.

In line of Nomex.

Hand-made tort and fresh pico.

Barbacoa good.

Transparency is key.  Light is the best disinfectant (thought bleach works pretty well). If we shout the truth loudly enough maybe someone will hear.  That truth is that corporate chain tacos are more expensive and less delicious than the local fare.  As I write this I struggle against the pain to type.  It may be the last thing I write.  If you learn anything from my struggles, it is this:  damn, I forgot.  Oh yeah, don’t eat 7 tacos in one morning, especially if they’re bad.