3833 Saratoga Blvd, Corpus Christi, Texas • 361-857-2247

It’s two days from Christmas. Christmas Eve Eve. I did about half of my shopping yesterday, in bold defiance of any instinct I posses for self-preservation. Today I wrap, and label, and do setup on any electronics. I will also be sharpening a couple of knives that I will exchange in the place of gifts, but it is bad luck to give a knife – as it signifies severance of the relationship (scissors as well). So I enclose a coin with the knife for the recipient to give back to me in exchange for the knife. It’s a superstition loophole, apparently ridiculous – but isn’t most superstition, including Christmas – celebrated on December 25th – which is likely not the date of Christ’s birth, and probably not even the right month according to religious scholars (and wikipedia, a source I’m more likely to trust). But enough digs at cherished popular belief. Kids love Santa and adults love to think Jesus was born on Christmas day, rather than the unpleasant but more likely alternative: that it was planned to coincide with a pagan winter festival in order to absorb it rather than compete against it. Why defy this quaint tradition, especially when the end result is not only an outpouring of love and an embrace of family, but also a financial stimulus bordering on a voluntary annual regressive tax – putting low income families into debt in order to give manufacturers and retailers what will probably be one of the best months in years. I’ll take it as long as I can have some eggnog, and chill with family I’ve not seen in a year, and maybe have a tamale or two. And tamales are really just tacos made with grits instead of tortillas, and a whole lot of love and hard work – work done mostly by Mexican women, let’s be frank. Hats off to all the abuelas and tias who spend hours over steaming pots and around tables piled high with the physical manifestation of the love of family, the essence of Christmas.

In the absence of tamales, I set out this morning in search of the next best thing, and ended up at La Iguana on Saratoga. I ordered carne guisada and chorizo & egg, both on flour. The tortillas were impeccable; fresh to order, barely charlie brown, with no flour dusting. The carne guisada was the slightest bit chewy, but the flavor was excellent, and the gravy a dark brown. I’d guess it is homemade. The chorizo & egg was mixed, heavy on the egg, but the chorizo had good flavor, and the salsa was good and hot. On top of this, the service was fantastic. I think they saw my camera, and acted accordingly. I couldn’t imagine them being this attentive to every customer. The restaurant was sparkling clean, and the coffee good and plentiful. They did not have tamales, but one can’t have everything.

Our free taco winner for this week is:

Sherilyn Fenn

She was, to me, at the beginning of the 90s, the most beautiful woman in the world. A classic beauty who could hold her own with Marilyn Monroe or Aria Giovanni. When a girl I was dating at that time told me she was interested in women, I gave her a copy of the December 1990 issue of Playboy to help encourage her. I guess it didn’t work, none of the 3 or 4 friends of mine that she slept with were women, but I have no regrets. Fenn grew up around performers, her father managed Alice Cooper, and her aunt is Suzi Quatro. She Inspired Dita Von Teese to dye her hair black, and inspired Johnny Depp to scrawl her name across his helmet in Platoon. She burned up the screen for years, appearing in a slew of notable movies: The Wild Life (which should be a cult movie), Of Mice and Men, and Just One of the Guys. David Lynch, who directed her in Twin Peaks, described her as  “Five feet of heaven in a ponytail.”  In the last decade she has not been prominent, but she’s continued to work and continued to be beautiful. She now raises her kids, acts occasionally, blogs, does some philanthropic work, and hangs with her lucky husband. 46 looks pretty damned good on her.

Offer includes 2 tacos, an audience with the ‘tacoteurs,’ and a free tacotopia t-shirt. Please redeem this offer at Whetstone Graphics on a Friday morning of your choice. Offer subject to cancellation by order of the wives of the tacoteurs.  Enter to win by emailing your name in on a dvd of  Two Moon Junction to tacos@tacotopia.net.

My In-Laws 'Winning' in front of La Tapatia

5551 Richmond Ave, Houston, Texas • 713-787-9680

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” I don’t remember who said this, but google tells me it’s George Santayana, some foolish adherent to the philosophical school of pragmatism – the quaint idea, long abandoned, that we can learn from our mistakes and cooperate in order to survive and succeed. He wasn’t around long enough to learn what we now know – that divisiveness and demagoguery are a much more expeditious method of taking money and power from those that have the least and giving it to those who have the most, and that really is the purpose of politics. A hustle. And we’re all marks, dupes, rubes. The opposite ends of the political spectrum will argue about who the shills are, and who the hustlers are, and who the bosses are, but few will argue that we aren’t the ones getting fleeced. And with that ham-handed segue, let me talk about a very unique taco that was perhaps, at some point, fleeced as well.

After the last place we ate at was such a disappointment as have most taco spots I’ve tried in Houston I expected the very same from La Tapatia. And while the waitress said the tortillas weren’t homemade, it was hard to tell by looking at them. The interior was big and clean, and there was a nice, full bar. I had planned to order my usual – carne guisada, and chorizo & egg, but had to abandon plan a upon seeing an item on the menu I’d never seen before: lamb barbacao. It was heavenly, more like carnitas than barbacoa, with a buttery richness that could kill you. The nopalitos that came on the side were also quite good, as was the salsa. Apparently tacotopia isn’t the only place to get a great taco, but Houston may be the only place to get this one. And now let the sending of emails proving I’m wrong commence.

As we left, a truck was pulling up from a local tortilleria, resplendent in gracefully aging hand-painted signage. And, thus, Houston redeemed itself to me. Unlike our government. Wake Up Sheeple!

Our free taco winner for this week is:

Rosanna Arquette

With her deceptively impish voice, adorable overbite, stunning body, and inquisitive grace it’s no wonder Arquette is the subject of two top 40 hits penned by lovers left in her wake. The first, Rosanna by ‘supergroup’ Toto  whose keyboardist Steve Porcaro (not the Porcaro who died from the bug spray (or cocaine if you believe the newspapers), his brother) dated her, and the second – In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel. If you’re my age you remember her from Desperately Seeking Susan and if you’re a movie buff you should remember her from After Hours, 8 Million Ways to Die, Cronenberg’s Masterpiece of disturbing sexuality Crash, and the honorable Pulp Fiction. Living a bohemian lifestyle as a child in a family of performers who not only moved her to a commune but also managed Second City, she is the hottest of the three Arquette daughters – and that’s no small feat, as one of them is the beautiful Patricia, and another – Alexis – has worked extra hard at it having been born a man. All three have been in Tarantino movies. One of her brothers, David, is also in the business. At 52 she’s every bit as hot as she was at 22, and is doing more than ever – still guest starring in TV shows and movies, but directing and producing as well, including the great documentary “Searching for Debra Winger” which shines a light on the dearth of older females in significant roles in tv and film. A cause Tacotopia can get behind.

Offer includes 2 tacos, an audience with the ‘tacoteurs,’ and a free tacotopia t-shirt. Please redeem this offer at Whetstone Graphics on a Friday morning of your choice. Offer subject to cancellation by order of the wives of the tacoteurs.  Enter to win by emailing your name in on the September 1990 issue of Playboy to tacos@tacotopia.net.

5201 Richmond Ave, Houston, TX 77056 • 713-621-3088

There’s a lot going on this weekend in Corpus Christi. There’s the Greek Festival starting tonight. There’s one of the greatest movies the Coen Bros have made playing in one of the greatest settings in which you could watch it – At the Ride-In Theater at the Water Gardens in front of the Art Museum. There’s the First Friday Artwalk which is always awesome. I hear people talk about how there’s nothing to do in Corpus Christi, I’d argue there’s too much to do for this overweight middle aged tacoteur. The coolest thing happening this weekend by far, though, is the airing at 9:00PM CST of the Corpus Christi episode of Hairy Bikers which features yours truly and my trusty cohort pointing these professional eaters at some of the best tacos in the world. Sure, it’s not Ken Burns’ Civil War, but it’s a fun, unpretentious show that deals with something we can all get behind – local eats.

Houston sunrise from the Taco Suite at the JW Mariott

It is, however, the Civil War that has drawn me away from the vibrant nucleus of activity that is Corpus Christi to attend the exhibition Discovering the Civil War at the Houston Museum of Natural Science. I couldn’t come to H-Town without trying some of their tacos. I Urbanspooned up a nearby taqueria with an 80+ rating that serves breakfast and cruised over with my wife and in-laws in tow. Ruchi’s has numerous restaurants around the Houston area, but I can’t quite figure out why. I suppose I’m accustomed to a higher level of tacotude living in Tacotopia, but this place was a real disappointment. The waitress was pretty, but irritable. She grudgingly brought out our cold coffee, and eventually took our order. Chips and two salsas were brought out, thankfully, to keep us company while we waited for the food – which was serving an extended sentence in the kitchen. The ranchera salsa was tasty, as was the avocado fireball which packed some spice – but both tasted more like something that came out of a jar of dip you’d get in the chip section of the HEB than from an abuelita’s cocina. When we finally got our food, the tortillas were reheated shelf tortillas. The chorizo & egg was not bad. The carne guisada might have been Dinty Moore Beef Stew but the meat was a little too chewy for this to be the case. With some expert negotions en español by my father-in-law we secured a second cup of coffee. I’m usually good for 4 or 5, but at this rate we’d have to stay there all 24 hours this place is open to get that many refills. It was even hard to get her to bring us the check, if that gives you any clue as to the quality of the service.

I like Houston. I don’t think of it as a soulless pastiche of freeways, slums, and high-rises as do many of my friends. I think it’s a world-class city, but all the tacos I’ve had here are strictly bush league. Of all the things I wish I could be doing in Corpus this weekend, the one that brought a single tear of despair to my eye as I waited in vain for that 2nd refill of my coffee-thimble was a plate of tacos with steaming fresh tortillas as delicate as new snow. If anyone knows of a taco spot in this town that can compete please let me know about it.

Our free taco winner for this week is:

Ana Ortiz

You’ll recognize her as Hilda from Ugly Betty, or more recently, as the best kind of police brutality in HBO’s Hung. A dancer who couldn’t stay en pointe, Ana has a dancer’s grace, and a borricua’s mouth. She’s got those little dimples underneath her mouth that say ‘I can chew you up and spit you out.’ Born in 1971 she grew up in NYC and Philly, half Puerto-Rican and half Irish. It’s hard to believe that someone who you could bounce quarters off of is also a baby factory, currently pregnant with her 2nd child. For those about to drop, we salute you.

Offer includes 2 tacos, an audience with the ‘tacoteurs,’ and a free tacotopia t-shirt. Please redeem this offer at Whetstone Graphics on a Friday morning of your choice. Offer subject to cancellation by order of the wives of the tacoteurs.  Enter to win by emailing your name in on Ana’s discarded holster to tacos@tacotopia.net.